Don't let me get me...

Have you ever felt too complicated even for yourself? Like when you dig deep into your psyche to figure out your reasons for continually fucking up and what you discover is so complex and messy that even you can't wrap your head around it?

That's how I feel when I am forced to confront the demons tied to my weight and body issues.

Oh and yes, I'm discussing body image again so if you are sick to death of me trying to work through my struggle...feel free to not read any further. I'll be none the wiser. ;-)

I used to be thin once upon a time. But even when I was, my contempt for my body didn't let me enjoy what I had. And when I say that, I don't mean that you have to be thin to enjoy your body...I mean that I took for granted eating what I wanted and not having to exercise at all to look that way. I had no idea how lucky I was.

Most of my life, I have been at war with myself. I have yo-yo'd so long that I have no idea what my average weight has been over the years. I have been all over the map. At 26, weighed 145...that was after losing 45 lbs at Weight Watchers. I had to work out 5 days a week and really cut back on servings. I cut out junk food but didn't deprive myself. I looked and felt amazing.

I remember looking in the mirror to admire my ass in jeans. Seriously...like I would make my friends take notice of how hot it looked..lol. I appreciated it for the first time. So what happened? Well...I got pregnant. I watched as the scale climbed steadily all the way back up to 41 lbs. I was almost in tears every time I stepped on that offensive scale in the Dr.'s office. I lost 22 after he was born and I have been struggling ever since.

I was caught in the cycle of an abusive relationship. When I left him at last, I lost 30lbs in a month. That would normally have me whooping with joy but that shit was scarily unhealthy. Eventually that depression led into one that had me eating every feeling I had just so I could be numbed out.

So, when I try to get to the bottom of it all, I have a couple of theories as to why I remain overweight.

First, I like to eat. I will never be one of those girls saying, "Oh I can't eat the whole cupcake, will you split it with me?" *shakes head* Girl, is you crazy? lol

Second, I hate to exercise. Like when I say hate, I really mean it. Even when I was at my thinnest and working my damn ass off with Richard Simmons 5 days a week...I always hated it.

Every.Single.Second.

Who are these fucking loons who talk about the "high" they get from working out? Is it possible to not produce endorphins, because I gotta tell ya...I'm not bouncing off the walls with excess energy after a workout. I'm not zooming around feeling all happy and refreshed. I feel like a big, sweaty pig. I come home, get in the shower and collapse from exhaustion. This has always been the case. Am I alone in this? I can't be. I refuse to believe it.

The only time I was ever remotely "happy" (for lack of a better word because I am always borderline homicidal when working out) when exercising, was during walks with Glenda and Janice. Mind you, Glenda's death was discussed many times as she twirled and bounced happily in front of us, but I think the company did wonders for me. I didn't notice the pain...well, except for the Hardwood Hill incident, that is.

Third, I think I may be sabotaging myself for a reason. This is where things get trippy.

Whenever I was feeling good about my body, I have attracted men.

The trouble is, every man I have chosen has crushed me. Two of them have altered who I am forever. Even a short term fling that I decided to have to build up my self esteem in the sex appeal department ended up doing more damage than good in the end. So I think subconsciously I have equated having a good body with complete and utter heartbreak.

I think, maybe...just maybe...that I keep the weight on to keep men away.

How's that for fucked up?!!

I often complain that men don't see me. I am invisible sexually. I mean, it's been three years, pretty much. So clearly, I am not seen as sexually desirable anymore. I guess that means my plan is working, yes?

Ugh.

Maybe this is my way of finding the man who truly loves me unconditionally...even with my body as it is right now.

There is so much more to being overweight than being lazy and having a poor diet. It's the deep down stuff that keeps you there. Some people manage to break free of the shackles of weight but the mental shit is always there under the surface. Until you love yourself now...as is...you will always be fat girl with low self esteem in your head.

My best friend has lost well over 200lbs since her surgery and I could not be prouder. But she still has moments where she looks at me says that she is fat. I could slap her. Especially since her weight loss intimidates the hell out of me. Is it wrong to admit that? I don't know, maybe it is, but it's true. Because I am still comparing myself. Still feeling like a failure. Look at all she has done...it is amazing and I am ridiculously proud of her...but I can't manage to even lose 40 of my own. See? There I go again.

I'm exhausting.

You're bad ass, Charlene. But to me, you were always beautiful....just sayin'.

So, I say to myself. Maybe this is where I am meant to be. Maybe I should stop fighting so hard, stop hating myself for not looking like I think I should. Maybe I should embrace myself as I am, even if that is the dreaded over 200lbs me. Man, I feel shame even writing that number down and I shouldn't.

My friend, Nanda, is right when she says that when I post all the pics of beautiful plus size women that I am only trying to convince myself that it is just as sexy as any other body type. She is right. It is for me. I do believe THEY are sexy and gorgeous...but me? Hmmm...not so much. I have to convince myself every single day that I am more than my weight and that I can be beautiful despite it.

So yeah, I'm a complex mess inside. There are many things keeping me trapped inside this body I have such disdain for. And that someecard poster that mocks that the secret to losing weight is as simple as stopping eating garbage and getting off your ass infuriates me. Obviously it runs deeper than that, and until the mental block is fixed, you (I) will never banish the excess weight forever.

I'm a work in progress. I am trying to overcome the self inflicted obstacles. Writing it all out, purging the demons in my head...it helps. Hopefully it's not becoming like an annoying broken record to you guys...whoever has kept reading, that is. ;-)