Thaw

So this is what I woke up to this morning...

Yeah. Frost. Oh sure, it's sparkly and beautiful but dude, frost means only one thing.

It's -30 with the windchill.

Seriously?

I hate winter with the fire of a thousand suns. *whines*

But as I balanced myself on the couch to capture the intricate beauty on my window I was struck by a realization. The frost is a lot like how I feel inside. I have always said I'm a stormcloud that leaves a trail of silver lining and glitter in my wake. My grief has turned my insides to ice, a select few are privy to the warmth that radiates deep within. I have so little to give. I am filled with an ache that never leaves no matter how many months pass without him.

The girl with golden eyes has stolen him away. That's something no amount of love and light can compete with.

I feel the ice melting. My heart splinters and light spills through the cracks. Forgiveness creeps in.
Acceptance of the unknown settles over me. My days spent curled up under the covers with Numb are numbered.

Feeling everything is scary. It means I have to make peace with no closure. With not knowing where you are, if you're safe, or if you are completely strung out all by yourself. It's almost impossible to be okay with not knowing any of these things. But you have given me no choice.

I try to block you out. I try to keep myself so busy that I have no time. But you're always there. And that is something else I am learning to accept.

I should hate what you've done. But I don't. I love you with everything in me. You have owned my heart since I was 12. Always have, always will.

So I fill my days with my son, work and my camera. Seeing the world through the lens has been healing for me. It allows me to commune with nature, with my true self, with the darkness that lingers inside me. Yesterday I bundled up and wandered up into the graveyard at the end of my street.

The snow was falling softly, adorning everything in white. Walking along the cliff, I listened to the water raging in the brook below. Trudging up the hillside through the crunchy ice and snow I was ecstatic to find beauty around every corner.

It was cold and I was shivering but the frosted corners of my heart were melting a little more each time I found inspiration in the snow laden flowers and berries.

Even winter, as it turns out, warms me.